tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23719596635415958402024-02-19T04:02:43.564+00:00Finding DyluckA road map for the disillusioned Ben Cartlidgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04390958623234807277noreply@blogger.comBlogger164125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2371959663541595840.post-86158558172428389712024-02-09T21:22:00.006+00:002024-02-11T17:55:37.856+00:00Tony<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCZb57uTlIiZU9F0IOdAbLoYEKopbVFfswlH__BQzu-aleyx9hy_VDkLYbWgGlg9UA7XCwjhYr1zV94PPKQ22BDaMaZF85I0RBQ7K1Xc3YIf-le9YdHLTWMbGtEAx_mOIGv3jpfyE4mdVu0XtObto94R-CLZQeddvQAIOI9OjOHqC8-_9hhwOjhOJdYkrg/s1000/20989306_10155479352545874_72668979069706654_o.jpg" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="668" data-original-width="1000" height="268" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCZb57uTlIiZU9F0IOdAbLoYEKopbVFfswlH__BQzu-aleyx9hy_VDkLYbWgGlg9UA7XCwjhYr1zV94PPKQ22BDaMaZF85I0RBQ7K1Xc3YIf-le9YdHLTWMbGtEAx_mOIGv3jpfyE4mdVu0XtObto94R-CLZQeddvQAIOI9OjOHqC8-_9hhwOjhOJdYkrg/w400-h268/20989306_10155479352545874_72668979069706654_o.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><p>There's no roadmap to any of this really, no matter how many times we're a part of this circle.</p><p>It never gets any easier, but we probably get better at safeguarding ourselves in whatever way we can. </p><p>You're never truly ready though; how could you be? </p><p>I've written quite a few things about losing my dad when I was in my mid 20's, and nearly 20 years on, I can honestly say that it shaped me in ways that I could never had anticipated.</p><p> There's a million one things I could say about what I wish I could say to him, but I learned to let them go, and to continue to try and be the best I can be. That's what he truly would have wanted. </p><p>I lived with my mum after we lost my dad for 4 years, and I didn't realise it at the time, but I really needed her, maybe as much as she needed me. We were good for each other, and I look back at those years with a certain fondness. I knew it couldn't last forever, but I really appreciated it while it did. </p><p>When I met Vanille, everything changed. She moved in with my mum and me within 6 months, and we had our own place within 12. It was perfect, but I still worried about my mum, and how she'd cope. We weren't too far away though, and I made sure I visited regularly, and would often finish work and go round for a cup of tea, a chat and a Fish finger sandwich. </p><p>She met Tony a few years after I'd left, at the funeral of a mutual friend, and when she told me about him, there was a legitimate nervousness. I can only assume she was worried how I'd react, but there really wasn't any need to. I was so happy for her, and really couldn't wait to meet Tony. </p><p>The first time I met him, we hit it off straight away. He was so interesting, and really funny, and I could see how happy he made my mum. He was such a great guy, and I chatted to him for hours about various different things that first evening. He'd lived such an interesting life. </p><p>I've talked before about my 30's, and how all these life changing things happened, and how sad it made me that I couldn't tell my dad about them. Everything I've done, that I'm probably the most proud of has happened in the last decade or so. </p><p></p><ul style="text-align: left;"><li>Being Vanille's Husband</li><li>Judging World Title Fights</li><li>Travelling everywhere</li><li>Setting up One Credit Classics</li><li>Teaching Consistently </li><li>Getting a few belts in Jiu-Jitsu</li></ul><div>Tony cared about all of that, and I can't tell you how much that meant to be able to talk to someone like that, about all those things. He was really proud of me when I told him I'd been somewhere, judging fights in another part of the world. Him and my Mum were very happily married for the best part of a decade, but he fell ill last year, and we sadly lost him last month. </div><div><br /></div><div>The last time I saw him was just before Christmas, as me and Vanille dropped presents off and chatted to him, my mum and his daughter Sally. He was still himself, but I could tell he was struggling, bless him. </div><div><br /></div><div>When it was time to go, I went to give him a hug and he pulled me in close and said "Always follow your heart son. That's the best advice I can give you." I told him that I would, and that I'd see him again soon, and we went on our way. </div><div><br /></div><div>I'm really glad we all met Tony. </div><div><br /></div><div>He made my mum so happy for this last decade, and he was really fond of Vanille. I'm so glad our paths crossed, and I feel a better person for the time we shared, and the conversations we had. I'll always follow my heart, and try and live a life as worthwhile as Tony did. </div><div><br /></div><div>Take care my friend. I'll make sure my mum is ok, she's made of strong stuff. </div><div>I'm only sad I didn't get to know you sooner. </div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><br /><p></p>Ben Cartlidgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04390958623234807277noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2371959663541595840.post-56118626074317261482021-10-03T21:34:00.001+01:002021-10-03T21:34:31.409+01:00From 60 to 0 <p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1-Z-f9HNd5yPdfZhBHQH4FZqfIZSdbMuSLjqjFRWfCkroYpu6q0iEWx1nJXn6rJRV_5PPk91jaKvJXoUSXvKlK5KBz_vieonq9HfLuY6e0dKmHrnLn_YUihmN07LrlxQxhsUlXASDItOp/" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="664" data-original-width="1024" height="228" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1-Z-f9HNd5yPdfZhBHQH4FZqfIZSdbMuSLjqjFRWfCkroYpu6q0iEWx1nJXn6rJRV_5PPk91jaKvJXoUSXvKlK5KBz_vieonq9HfLuY6e0dKmHrnLn_YUihmN07LrlxQxhsUlXASDItOp/w351-h228/image.png" width="351" /></a></div>Nothing really feels normal anymore, except the flux of uncertaincy we've all had to embrace over the past year and a half. <p></p><p>Friday night I was down in London for Bellator 267. </p><p>My process, in terms of travel, has remained the same since this adventure started all those years ago. </p><p>The easiest way to get there, and the earliest way to get home. </p><p>Recently, I lost a good friend of my teenage years. </p><p>It really hit me hard, but also it changed my outlook in a few ways. I've got better at addressing priorities, and trying to cut out as much of the unnecessary things as possible, and I realise more that we need to make the most out of the opportunities and the time that we do have. </p><p>I got the train down to London on Friday morning pretty early. I've done Stoke to Euston so many times, it's such an easy jaunt on the train. I played Metroid and listened to podcasts and I was there before I knew it. </p><p>There's still something odd about getting to a hotel room with nothing to do. I don't have a particularly hectic life to be honest with you, but I still finish unpacking my bags, get a cup of tea made and take time to appreciate the time ahead without an immediate schedule. </p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8f-zzhp8nZUpVW-MZnVJU6KZzD_SgmeSGZuzUYgSfkME5SEHeTAVSaD48RpA3H2nNv3Ty4elv4lZAAs7bhNaWdu0FqBtkEqtoMo49CSxVHHdVCUgqcvR-dYy0rN9sCmFmJO6nAWO35qLz/" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="1366" data-original-width="2048" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8f-zzhp8nZUpVW-MZnVJU6KZzD_SgmeSGZuzUYgSfkME5SEHeTAVSaD48RpA3H2nNv3Ty4elv4lZAAs7bhNaWdu0FqBtkEqtoMo49CSxVHHdVCUgqcvR-dYy0rN9sCmFmJO6nAWO35qLz/" width="320" /></a></div>The show itself was fantastic, and it was great to see some familiar faces. <br /><p></p><p>Even after all these years, judging fights still remains the one constant in my life that allows my mind to completely focus on a singular track, it's like nothing else. </p><p>I can't tell you what it feels like when the lights go down, when you're sitting in that chair, and when the bell rings. It feels like absolutely nothing else. It's everything, just everything. </p><p>After the event I went to get food with my friends, before heading off to bed. It was about 2 am, and I'd bought an off peak return for anytime Saturday. </p><p>My challenge however, which always keeps these things interesting, was to get back as early as possible. <br /><br />I got to sleep at about 2:15 and got up a few hours later at 5:45. It was so dark outside, I'd already packed all my stuff up, so I left the hotel and got on my way. </p><p>I jumped on the train at Wembley Park, and got off at Euston Square, before a quick walk down to Euston Station. </p><p>It was about 6:50 and the next train home was 7:20. I was really happy with this, and as it started to go light outside, I briefly reflected on what I'd seen the night before, that was before the number of the platform came on the board and everyone walked as fast as possible in that direction. </p><p>Nobody ever wants to run do they? I get it though, but still, I mean I walked really fast, but never once thought about breaking into a stride. </p><p>The train was fairly busy but, in the current climate, you're usually guaranteed a couple of seats. </p><p>I got back to Stoke at 8:45 and it was raining, fairly predictably, but it my good lady wife's day off, and as much as I could call her for a lift, it didn't seem fair. </p><p>So I thought I'd walk, it's only about 1.5 miles, and I could trek up the canal. <br /><br />I stopped at Subway for a breakfast sandwich, and a cup of tea that legitimately kept me warm for ages, and began the journey. </p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEieNvI18eC48TbAgbMzVuSdoGjPght5yV734i-fPMB-7GXTd5R9C2IZtmtePbtagrZ9VAVnLcbU0Xds04D20TU35gKrc4LPFovxkyAEDWlAnu8OZ9Wrmzf2EcErGxmZuZ8Qb6ldxIWKhUVT/" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="960" data-original-width="720" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEieNvI18eC48TbAgbMzVuSdoGjPght5yV734i-fPMB-7GXTd5R9C2IZtmtePbtagrZ9VAVnLcbU0Xds04D20TU35gKrc4LPFovxkyAEDWlAnu8OZ9Wrmzf2EcErGxmZuZ8Qb6ldxIWKhUVT/" width="180" /></a></div>Another rule of mine when travelling, is to try and go as light as possible. For this leg of the trip, I had Jeans/T Shirt/Suit Jacket and Doc Martens which double as both casual and event footwear.<p></p><p>In my backpack I had a shirt, tie, t shirt and a few other bits. Just the essentials!</p><p>As I neared my home, getting progressively more wet and cold, I was struck by the silence and the serenity of my journey. </p><p>I walked past houses full of presumably still sleeping residents, appartments with curtains drawn, and an empty pathway without a cyclist or dog walker to be seen. </p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhdvzp59EUK1g-btsa4qHhpEUpXqxDWpwyEP3XizH_NbZmoyU1Rmc4W7UIAO_uupQMqPVblhw9k09ZMWX_kS3xipJ012O11tBkPek2XAPn1uFkaunhDhvO_2QAQ6rdS3aAJkDP2XPK_ivg5/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="960" data-original-width="720" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhdvzp59EUK1g-btsa4qHhpEUpXqxDWpwyEP3XizH_NbZmoyU1Rmc4W7UIAO_uupQMqPVblhw9k09ZMWX_kS3xipJ012O11tBkPek2XAPn1uFkaunhDhvO_2QAQ6rdS3aAJkDP2XPK_ivg5/" width="180" /></a></div>That's the bit that got me the most, it felt like I was the last human being alive for a brief second, which contrasted so sharply with the neon chaos I'd experienced the night before. <p></p><p>That's the bit you're never, ever prepared for. <br /></p><p>0-60 is exhilerating, it's exciting, it's a rush. </p><p>60-0 always catches you off guard. </p><p>And in some ways, I think it always will, but I'm fine with that because as I grow older, I appreciate the serenity more and more every day. </p><p>I got home and in from the rain and the cold, to be greeted by my dogs and my lovely wife. I made us a hot drink, unpacked my stuff and caught up with everything and everyone. It was fantastic. </p><p>It felt so good to be home, and it's been a glorious few days, but I can't stop thinking about that walk home and how strange a juxtaposition it was between the thousands of screaming fans packed into the SSE Arena, and a row of angry looking ducks, clearly weighing up what was left of my sandwich. </p><p>I'm sorry it's been so long, but nothing has made me want to write until now. </p><p>Take care my friends, I won't leave it so long again. </p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>Ben Cartlidgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04390958623234807277noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2371959663541595840.post-76861775846138338472018-09-27T11:42:00.001+01:002018-09-27T18:00:17.678+01:00We need to talk <br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpTnXjEbxlJw895RsAt7IDzcTJACtT9jZZ1tf3y27XaOP5f1mQxfYZPPVvzK5hznwPaQMMgUhDYqiaMD432C9jja6hOtufVuZpRR6Se4mzIoTVuhr8x_ihEbTCGnficonQDgoKfGGdOGTm/s1600/Sad.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="918" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpTnXjEbxlJw895RsAt7IDzcTJACtT9jZZ1tf3y27XaOP5f1mQxfYZPPVvzK5hznwPaQMMgUhDYqiaMD432C9jja6hOtufVuZpRR6Se4mzIoTVuhr8x_ihEbTCGnficonQDgoKfGGdOGTm/s320/Sad.jpg" width="183" /></div>
I still remember that day. It was back in April last year and nothing made any sense. That's the dangerous thing in some respects, you can never properly tell what someone is thinking.<br />
<br />
That's a photo like any other I seem to take right? Me in a niche T shirt, with my massive beard just hanging out with Larry. Everything seems good with the world in that crystal clear snapshot.<br />
<br />
But it wasn't.<br />
<br />
I don't have any explanations for what happened to me mentally, and perhaps that's the most frightening part.<br />
<br />
I woke up and everything seemed difficult somehow. I struggled to eat for a while, my mind was flooded with darkness, I couldn't get motivated to do anything, I couldn't stop randomly bursting into tears but perhaps the most frightening, was the fact that I couldn't see a way round any of it.<br />
<br />
I'd wake up and the first thing I'd think was the fact that I was thinking about it again. That's the worst part, because it's not even like there was a trigger. It wasn't one specific thing that was making me unhappy that I could target, it was an overall depressing sense of void that I really couldn't get past. Nothing had changed. I'd gone to bed happy and woken up like this.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiidilGb0D7iBXxHTy16ARfum8EyQNI3brUAM0QQV5CBVK05vCJ6J8lhojGlay3o59I13SLaRS_ZmYM-sQbOnOvBVYKUfHwllJQmqgmn8MolqXANTIQeLafzcoHAuA-7jqi7N5Ofy4CDVN2/s1600/Vanille.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiidilGb0D7iBXxHTy16ARfum8EyQNI3brUAM0QQV5CBVK05vCJ6J8lhojGlay3o59I13SLaRS_ZmYM-sQbOnOvBVYKUfHwllJQmqgmn8MolqXANTIQeLafzcoHAuA-7jqi7N5Ofy4CDVN2/s320/Vanille.jpg" width="240" /></a>I stopped writing as well, as you've probably seen from this blog, but one thing continually kept me going.<br />
<br />
Who else.<br />
<br />
Vanille. <br />
<br />
The light in the darkness.<br />
The sugar in my tea.<br />
My missing piece.<br />
The single most important thing.<br />
<br />
We had so many conversations during that time about things we wanted to do in the future; places to see, adventures to go on, new horizons. I slowly but surely began to feel more human but it took a very long time. <br />
<br />
Over the weeks and months I began to see the colour emerging once again in the day to day, which seemed to make everything easier.<br />
<br />
One day we were chatting about a few things and she suggested that I go back to training again.<br />
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I'd always really enjoyed being a bit more active, it's really very good for you in so many ways, so I figured I'd try and get involved again.<br />
<br />
The weird thing about training BJJ for me, is that once you've learned something and then stopped for a long time, you still mentally imagine not only will you still remember it but it'll also still work, despite the obvious light year advances since I'd last really trained with any seriousness, nearly a decade ago.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhhQGxJdyUp9L61nO2nR5v6gkfJFSbeW11x6DM0JxwFhpkGX-T4-D52-gKmcOspuL9xFmR_lY5DH0bLBXQhiKLII4724-FSPfBAXoxD_vRy94WntAafAWkErSEMlMTllk8VFxsix46wcV_G/s1600/Horizon.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="763" data-original-width="1080" height="224" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhhQGxJdyUp9L61nO2nR5v6gkfJFSbeW11x6DM0JxwFhpkGX-T4-D52-gKmcOspuL9xFmR_lY5DH0bLBXQhiKLII4724-FSPfBAXoxD_vRy94WntAafAWkErSEMlMTllk8VFxsix46wcV_G/s320/Horizon.jpg" width="320" /></a>Getting back was as tough as I thought it would be, but there would be always something in every single session that would spark my imagination in some way.<br />
<br />
<br />
Everyone was so nice and sociable as well, and that was such a big part of it looking back now. It was good to train, but also good to catch up with these people who became mates quite quickly and easily.<br />
<br />
I'd been back a few weeks and after a good class, I remember driving home and all of a sudden thinking that I hadn't thought about being depressed for not only the duration of the class, but also the few hours before I arrived.<br />
<br />
My focus was so singular and positive on physical self improvement, that there wasn't really room for anything negative. That's the great part about training really, everything else stops and you're immersed into a demanding situation. You don't realise how much you're improving because you're in a positive environment, where everyone is getting better constantly.<br />
<br />
It sounds a touch obvious, but right then and there I guess on some levels I knew I was going to be alright. For the first time in a long while I could see a very small light up in the distance, and that was all I needed to focus on.<br />
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The really strange thing is that I can't even remember how those first few days felt now, the hardest part of writing this was trying to think back to how much that darkness engulfed my being, for every waking minute.<br />
<br />
There's nowhere I'd rather be and nothing I'd rather do than what I'm doing right now and the most important thing that I can take from this, is that it's so important to talk to people. If you're going through something that you don't think you can get through, then reach out and talk to someone, hell talk to me if you want to.<br />
<br />
All you ever need to hear is that it's going to be alright and that you're going to make it, and as much as these things seem insurmountable, there's always something you can do to improve your situation.<br />
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Finally I guess I wanted to say thanks to you all over the past 18 months. You're fantastic and I don't know where I'd be without you all.<br />
<br />
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One final thing, is that if you look at the very first photo in the piece and then this one at the end of me enjoying some Belgian fries a few months ago, on balance there's very little to separate them. The ironic thing is that they're a million miles apart.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5tRcbGhRUV_F59xgRKlwRFV-dHTPsXlttuqFHr_difilN5eKyNadsBGlf-PwXc6qhTF75anOK6oHKqv_n5wzXQ4ashEM1FeQRWo5hAn2w28G7a2voN1qG_F3e4tdTHZKC6YV7FwUGqlTx/s1600/IMG_20180927_094019_852.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1400" data-original-width="1000" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5tRcbGhRUV_F59xgRKlwRFV-dHTPsXlttuqFHr_difilN5eKyNadsBGlf-PwXc6qhTF75anOK6oHKqv_n5wzXQ4ashEM1FeQRWo5hAn2w28G7a2voN1qG_F3e4tdTHZKC6YV7FwUGqlTx/s320/IMG_20180927_094019_852.jpg" width="225" /></a>That's the problem really. Everyone seems alright on the basis of it, because you've got no real choice but to hold it all together. We live in a society when there isn't really time for that, there's always a ruthless schedule in place and if you can't keep up you'll fall off.<br />
<br />
What you need to do is talk.<br />
Promise me you'll talk if you need to.<br />
Because without it, without that interaction with other people to remind us why we do all of this, what's the point?<br />
We're not meant to do this alone, and the problem is that you think you've got all the time in the world. Tell those you love them that you love them, make time for the right people and never forget that you're never alone in any of this. <br />
<br />
I promise you'll feel better eventually, there's always a way to make our situations better.<br />
<br />
Until next time<br />
Take care<br />
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Speak soon</div>
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Ben </div>
Ben Cartlidgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04390958623234807277noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2371959663541595840.post-36595418941806804992017-08-03T14:37:00.003+01:002017-08-03T14:37:38.357+01:00Hello Again<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I've not been in the mood to write much these last few months for some reason, I'm not sure why. It's not been a block or anything, it's simply not been something I've thought of doing for whatever reason.<br /><br />It's been odd to be honest with you.<br /><br />I've wasted way too much time thinking about things that have happened and way too much time worrying about things that might happen; to a really ridiculous degree. It got quite overcast for a while. <div>
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I'm not 100% over all that stuff but I'm so much better these days and every single day is better than the last. I'm stronger mentally as a result of this process and for that I am thankful.<br /><br />Everyone who's been there to chat over these last few weeks, thank you so much. You've no idea how much you've helped me out. I'm fine, trust me. I'm just a bit more aware somehow, but maybe that's more to do with getting older.<br /><br />There'll be more from me soon in the upcoming weeks I'm sure. Things are starting to make a bit more sense and the clouds are parting, as I sit and contemplate about how I ended up here and just what is going to happen next. <br /><br />That's the whole point of all of this in so many respects I think.<br /><br />I'm fine.<br />We're all fine.<br />The cracks in the ice will be there whether we spend days looking at them or not.<br />All we can do is keep on walking and not waste steps on where we stumbled before. <div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Until next time my good friends.<br /><br />Take Care.<br />Speak Soon.<br />Ben </div>
</div>
Ben Cartlidgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04390958623234807277noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2371959663541595840.post-62412394558549910032017-04-18T11:45:00.002+01:002017-04-18T13:58:00.817+01:00Friends<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I never had a dog growing up.<br />
<br />
They always freaked me out if I'm being honest, I'm not sure why. It's hard to believe looking at me now, at just shy of 6"3 but I was a really small kid growing up and they always seemed massive.<br />
<br />
When I started the final year of high school in 1995 I was 5"4, when I finished I was 5"11. That helped me out quite a bit in all honesty because my brother is really tall.<br />
<br />
I couldn't have dealt with being loads shorter than my big brother. I mean he'll always be taller than me, that's a given but still, not by much these days.<br />
<br />
There were all manner of animals around our house growing up from cats to fish and even a tortoise, who my dad drilled a tiny hole in the back of his shell and attached a red ribbon so he wouldn't get lost in the grass.<br />
<br />
I had a cat later on in life when I lived on my own, not through my design, and I ended up giving her to a lovely old lady who'd recently lost her cat when I moved back to my mum's house. I knew I'd be moving to a new house and that I probably wouldn't be able to accommodate a pet. I was sad initially but I knew that Mookie had gone to a nice house so I didn't give it too much thought.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhA-Q3u29AGdb7UDE_vtVF4qjRamr2vHD2xTy3ljNYdpyNVEEUT598QU_o5evVo-w5QPQpmXkZv9-DgGy6lfU9s1tXxcH_0y8BgZ2AjeG4chojw6dumoOQ22GKSGap82R1GJdog8EhH3UDG/s1600/birds.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhA-Q3u29AGdb7UDE_vtVF4qjRamr2vHD2xTy3ljNYdpyNVEEUT598QU_o5evVo-w5QPQpmXkZv9-DgGy6lfU9s1tXxcH_0y8BgZ2AjeG4chojw6dumoOQ22GKSGap82R1GJdog8EhH3UDG/s320/birds.jpg" width="301" /></a>A few years back I was helping my brother clear out his late mother in law's house and managed to inherit a budgie who didn't have anywhere to go. He'd been on his own a bit because of hospital visits and you could tell the situation had stressed him a bit. I'd try and minimise the amount I'd spend apart from him wherever possible and always left him the radio on if we had to go out.<br />
<br />
He got used to the situation pretty quickly, he even escaped at one point and shat on my brand new TV but that's another story for another day.<br />
<br />
My wife, impulsive as a young Cyndi Lauper, bought another budgie as a present I believe initially but we ended up keeping her. Harper was her name and she was loads bigger than Bobby and a lot more tame and confident.<br />
<br />
The two still tweet away like they've know each other forever. It's so heartening to see them chattering away hour after hour. It kind of reminds you that we all need people; like minded souls to share the day and to enjoy experiences with.<br />
<br />
The central drive to my wife's strategy regarding pets however, was clear from day one.<br />
<br />
She wanted a dog.<br />
<br />
I didn't.<br />
<br />
We'd talk about it for hours and weighed up various options but it became obvious, to me at least, that I couldn't stand being the person that made the person I cared about the most, unhappy for whatever reason.<br />
<br />
I knew that at some point it'd happen but it became more about the timing than anything else and also, because I'm such an idiot sometimes, about me squashing my own ridiculous sense of stubbornness.<br />
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When we first drove to pick little Larry the Dachshund up I was equal parts nervous/excited really as I didn't know what to expect, but over the first few weeks I noticed myself spending more and more time wondering about what he was doing whilst I was at work or away somewhere. I passed it off mentally however. I was right. I had to be. Everyone else was wrong.<br />
<br />
Everyone I spoke to though asked me about him, loved him, fussed him massively however, but somehow I never quite seemed to get it. He was adorable, quite comical and at the same time and a little bit curious but in my head I wondered if that was as far as this relationship would go.<br />
<br />
Fast forward to this past weekend, a glorious sprawling Easter Bank Holiday spectacular, which involved hanging out and eating like an absolute cretin, and something changed.<br />
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Yesterday I was sitting on the floor with my hoodie on and Larry wandered over to see what I was doing and climbed up on my chest as I watched television. This was nothing new really, he'd been doing this for a while but this time I noticed that he seemed a little cold so I wrapped him up in the warmness of my hoodie without even thinking too much about it.<br />
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I'd never really done anything that impulsive before with him and, looking back at it, I guess it was a big step.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXs3A9jiB1jVq4CCM4PJY6Rr19QDjrJ8gVQDfM_ZGXh7CD7bMnIKKPGOplY13_R8sXHlCsO1I2hgIK8QQZgDLO83fC-vGv43I5dq7vqjwpWmO2nbAgZi3im-Zwfufs5rDVGYB3NkJxU8qu/s1600/Dogf.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXs3A9jiB1jVq4CCM4PJY6Rr19QDjrJ8gVQDfM_ZGXh7CD7bMnIKKPGOplY13_R8sXHlCsO1I2hgIK8QQZgDLO83fC-vGv43I5dq7vqjwpWmO2nbAgZi3im-Zwfufs5rDVGYB3NkJxU8qu/s320/Dogf.jpg" width="180" /></a>He took one look at me, snorted a little and then settled down for a nap. As he lay there on my chest I could see that he was still struggling to get comfortable though, so I zipped up my top over him while I watched the TV.<br />
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I never even noticed that he fell asleep until I looked at him.<br />
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He looked so peaceful that I didn't even want to breathe properly in case I woke him up. I could feel myself getting a little drowsy because, as he got warmer and more relaxed, his breathing was quite hypnotic and he almost became like a hot water bottle.<br />
<br />
I took one last glance at him before I shut my eyes and it all made sense at that point.<br />
<br />
I get it now. I completely get it.<br />
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I'm back at work today, but I'm already wondering about what the future with Larry and Vanille will hold. We're not designed to do this on our own, others make up the most important parts of what we do why we do.<br />
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Until next time my friends.<br />
Take care.<br />
Speak soon.<br />
<br />
Ben<br />
<br />Ben Cartlidgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04390958623234807277noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2371959663541595840.post-66059700575801458912017-04-03T15:26:00.001+01:002017-04-03T15:26:33.783+01:00Dad<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I try and keep this space free for when I need it now.<br />
<br />
Whenever I've got something to say more than glib romanticized witticisms or observations about being stuck in a lift somewhere.<br /><br />It's 10 years since I lost my Dad.<br />
<br />I don't know where to begin or how to start.<br />
<br />
I figured I'd just sit here, write a bit and things would happen.<br />
<br />
The words would come along nice and easily but it's harder than that somehow.<br /><br /><br />
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Dad,<br /><br />There's so much I wish I could tell you. There's so many things that have happened. I've got a wife, she's amazing. You'd love her. She's called Alison and she's probably the best human being I've ever met. She's pretty and kind and thoughtful and makes everything worth doing.<br /><br />I've got a small dog called Larry and two budgies called Bobby and Harper. Larry's adorable and quickly becoming my favourite thing.<br />
<br />
I've got a nice house and a nice job and a good car as well, not that that's super important but I know that you always think it is.<br />
<br />
You were right by the way; getting that teaching qualification was probably the best thing I've ever done because not long after you left I started teaching regularly and 10 years later I'm still doing it.<br /><br />Mum's doing fine as well but I guess you knew she would. She's strong like that, I moved back in home for 3 years to help her out and to save a bit of money as well. It made the whole transition easier for both of us. I moved out in 2011 and still live in the same house. We'll probably move soon though because I can see us getting another dog at some point and we'll need a bit more room.<br /><br />I wrote a bit, for a few magazines, websites and various publications. I could always imagine you being happy about that, because I know you were so passionate about writing and everything to do with that. I wrote primarily about mixed martial arts but there's been quite a bit of other stuff as well in the meantime.<br /><br />Speaking of mixed martial arts, I judge fights now and have been doing so for about 7 years. I've been all over the place and been privileged to see some fantastic things and meet some wonderful people. It's probably the one thing I do out of everything I do that I feel I do the best if that's not too convoluted.<br />
<br />
I also play a load of old computer games on a channel on YouTube. I'll never forget you walking me down to Longton on a Saturday to play all those arcade machines. I loved that.<br /><br />I should be really happy but on a day like today that seems next to impossible.<br /><br />I miss everything about you.<br />
I miss being able to talk to you about nothing.<br />
I miss important talks but most importantly I miss that I never had the opportunity to make you properly proud of me. Everything that I'm most proud of in my entire life happened after you went, so I never got a chance to show you what I could become. I'll never stop trying though, I promise you that. I'll always try to do the right thing like you taught me and to try and to always help out anyone who needs it.<br /><br />Take Care Dad<br />
Love Always<br />
Ben<br />
<br />Ben Cartlidgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04390958623234807277noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2371959663541595840.post-33464092940214802742017-01-08T11:13:00.000+00:002017-01-08T11:13:17.857+00:00Lost for a day <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />
I'm sorry I've not been here for a while.<br />
<br />Those who know me will know that I recently started a <a href="https://www.youtube.com/c/OneCreditClassics">videogaming channel</a> on Youtube and it's taken up quite a bit of time. In a good way though you understand.<br />
<br />
It's not like I don't get the thoughts to write anymore, it's just getting the process right to let them tumble out of my head in good order.<br />
<br />
Yesterday was one of the best Saturdays I've had in forever. All I did was play Mario and drink tea. It was a dark, cold afternoon and I stayed warm indoors and played videogames.<br />
<br />
I'm working on a Super Mario World 96 exit clear so I needed to practice a little bit before I sat down to record, which I think will happen next week. It's frightening how lost I became in the whole process. It's literally like nothing else existed. I took this photo before I started and I've been unable to get away from looking at it ever since.<br /><br />It's just perfect.<br />
<br />
It's dark but the lights seem warm.<br />
It's comforting and full of amazing memories.<br />
It's the beginning of a fantastic journey and I've got everything I need.<br />
<br />
I'll never stop doing the things that make me happy.<br />
That's the key people, that's truly the key.<br />
<br />
Take care<br />
Speak soon<br />
Ben<br />
<br />Ben Cartlidgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04390958623234807277noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2371959663541595840.post-11903521125058756872016-11-23T10:43:00.002+00:002016-11-23T10:43:38.966+00:00Places<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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There's places I've been that I've started to wonder how people have ended up at.<br />
<br />
A million and one sparkling lights and colours through the night as we pass silently, miles above nests of clouds. These places tell stories that we'll never fully understand or experience but intrigue us inevitably.<br />
<br />
They're people just like me and you but living lives in other spheres. They're linked to each other without ever realising it. They could be me and you but they're not.<br />
<br />
We're the special ones because even when I'm stored safely in the great blue beyond, I'm still thinking about all the things we'll do.<br />
<br />
We don't need to do anything that's the joy of it all, but as long as there's you and there's me, then there's everything I'll ever need.<br />
<br />
It's always been you.<br />
<br />
Take care<br />
Speak soon<br />
Ben<br />
<br />
<br />Ben Cartlidgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04390958623234807277noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2371959663541595840.post-33315735061168569532016-10-07T09:52:00.001+01:002016-10-07T09:52:37.400+01:00Order<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I'm writing to put handles on thoughts that don't have purposes, so I can file them in boxes and in cupboards and forget about them.<br />
<br />
I'm writing to reach people I'll never meet, stuck behind the confines of a desk that retains an almost sarcastic shine, whatever the weather.<br />
<br />
I'm writing to look back on how I got to where I sit, and what comes next if I don't steer the ship.<br />
<br />
I'm writing so you'll understand that you're the alpha and the omega of this whole process, without you even realising it or doing anything about it.<br />
<br />
I'm writing so the time goes quicker, is that wrong? I think it's wrong but it's all I have at the moment.<br />
<br />
I'm writing to reach back to that simpler time, when the world spun slower and days didn't retreat too fast into the solitude of order and model.<br />
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I'm writing because I don't want to forget what I was feeling when I hit the keys, even if it's there as a stern reminder.<br />
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I'm writing because it's the only thing I can do without thinking.<br />
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I'm thinking because it's the only thing that makes me write.<br />
<br />
Take care<br />
Speak soon<br />
BenBen Cartlidgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04390958623234807277noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2371959663541595840.post-37685335241773434162016-08-25T10:50:00.001+01:002016-08-25T10:50:39.119+01:00LighthouseIt stirs again.<br />
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The lighthouse that shines unfaltering into the night comes full circle, and seems to shudder at the sight of a ship. It's stranded and full of gleaming curiosities but there seems no way to help. There has to be something I can do. I run, down countless stairs and find sight of the door which opens quickly into the seemingly endless night. My feet hurt. I'm running as fast as I can but with little idea of what I'm going to do when I get to where I'm going, or even really where I'm going. The first crystal splashes of icy salt water take my breath away but I can't stop, I don't know why, I just know I can't stop. Everything I try to do isn't working and the tide pulls me further away from my quarry, and in turn pulls it further away from me. This was a bad idea. I battle through the cold night and somehow manage to get within touching distance of the ship; it's smaller than it seemed at first but as I clamber onto the deck I'm immediately aware of a sense of overwhelming vastness. There's too much to do. There's too much to see and I can't carry it all back. I need to pick the best things, the things that'll help the most. Is that two different things? Why should I have to pick between what I need and what I want? Why should any of us? I quickly become aware of the fact that nothing on here would survive the unforgiving brine and unless I dive back and seek the solitude of my lighthouse, neither will I. I need to try and remember everything that's here, absorbing anything that I can make a mental note of and quickly retreat. As quickly as it started, it ends. My breath is taken away by the cold night air and I swim with everything I have left to make the shore. It takes longer and I become aware of my frailties, it takes an effort I didn't know I possessed. I somehow manage to make it back to the sand but this voyage of misadventure has taken a toll on me. I stagger, hunched over and breathing heavily, up the beach and make it back to the bottom of the lighthouse and open the door. The stairs seem more vast than I ever remembered but I somehow am able to drag myself up them to the top and the sanctity of my domain. Warmth and light greet me as I open the door and quickly find a blanket to drape around myself. I make myself a tea and stare out into the night to see the ship has fully submerged and all that I sought to take from it is lost forever. I feel my hands growing warmer and the physical toll of my impulsive adventure seems slightly less now. I wish I could remember what I saw, it could have changed things, could have made me a better person. Foolhardiness or old age will inevitably win the war, but for now it seems I'm safe.<br />
<br />
I wish I could write all the time and put down tales that would make people forget everything else. I'm inspired in passing by fleeting instances but I'm too aware that I can't take it all with me. I can't take it all in and I can't change the way I seem to find flashes of what might be something special, only to realise I have no way of transporting them from one place to another.<br />
<br />
Take Care<br />
Speak Soon<br />
BenBen Cartlidgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04390958623234807277noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2371959663541595840.post-3859816145918975042016-08-02T00:33:00.000+01:002016-08-05T17:45:45.264+01:00Chasm<br />
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The difference between winning and losing at so many things in life is infinitesimal, but the effects are often far greater than most of us could ever comprehend.<br />
<br />
I don't really write about mixed martial arts too much these days, there's way too many conflicts of interest. It's not to say that I'm not moved enough to write about these things but it's easier to have these conversations with close friends without the potential headaches.<br />
<br />
Saturday night however, made me want to write something down, at the very least so there's a tangible and permanent link to the magic that unfolded.<br />
<br />
Every fight I judge is the most important fight I've judged up until that point and it always will be. My focus is complete and absolute when the action starts. It's hard to describe the serenity that overcomes me when I'm judging fights. It's addictive. It's a state where there's nothing else but the kinesia that I'm trying to compartmentalize. Every thing that happens in those minutes is processed, evaluated and understood.<br />
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<br />
It's only afterwards however, does the magnitude of what I've just witnessed often catch up with me and it's not till I'm generally on my own that the reflections replay themselves. I'll stare endlessly into the sky as every single detail is digested and discussed internally; a million monologues and what ifs that swim around my subconsciousness.<br />
<br />
The good people that we see compete in this great sport are the same as us but different. They're different because they're prepared to roll that dice and stare down the barrel of the unknown. They understand the risks, the rewards and the consequences of diving headfirst into a maelstrom of danger and uncertainty. The gap between winning and losing for these unique people may be slight but the repercussions of falling either side of the line are vast beyond comprehension.<br />
<br />
It's only when the lights come on, the intensity fades and normality resumes are we left with the realizations that we can never undo what has just taken place. More importantly though, we can never forget the magnitude of supreme sacrifices that were made on every level; to create something so beautifully chaotic that will surely last forever.<br />
<br />
Take Care<br />
Speak Soon<br />
Ben<br />
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<br />Ben Cartlidgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04390958623234807277noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2371959663541595840.post-21291036166037018992016-07-03T23:45:00.002+01:002016-07-03T23:45:57.257+01:00Obsessions<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />
<br />
I do this all the time.<br />
<br />
I obsess about things for very short periods.<br />
<br />
None of them are related, none of them are from the present day and none of them are really helpful to me in any way.<br />
<br />
I'll read pages and pages of old interviews and news articles, watch documentaries and videos online and basically try and fit as much knowledge as my head will let me store. I'll wonder and wish that I could experience everything that happened to him/her/them and what effect that massive change would have had on me.<br />
<br />
It's all what ifs, but then so much of life is; even if we know that really doesn't solve anything.<br />
<br />
It moves from one thing to another with almost regimented certainty.<br />
<br />
It'll be a band one day, a video game the next but it really can be anything including various historical and cultural events from years gone by.<br />
<br />
I don't know why I do this but it's probably one of the most consistent mental happenings in all of my years on this planet.<br />
<br />
Until next time<br />
Take care<br />
Speak soon<br />
<br />
BenBen Cartlidgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04390958623234807277noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2371959663541595840.post-11005344595140217522016-05-10T12:35:00.000+01:002016-05-10T12:35:14.884+01:00For a moment here, this storm had no consqeuence<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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All I ever want to be is warm.<br />
<br />
Every time I've got a feeling in my head about putting words down; the first image I get is one like this.<br />
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I love standing by a window watching the world go by, but it's made so much more special when that world is uninviting.<br />
<br />
It fills me with the same sense that I used to get when I was younger and living at my mum's house.<br />
<br />
I'd sit for hours playing videogames with various hot beverages, but I'd forever find myself lost in thought, gazing out of my window whenever it rained or snowed.<br />
<br />I'd see people hurrying along to try and find the shelter that we're all programmed to need from my spot, huddled next to the radiator. It's never rather him/her than me, it's a million miles away from gloating.<br />
<br />
It's just a feeling that surrounds me like a bubble and for those seconds, there really isn't anything else that I need to do. There's nothing else to worry about because there's nothing else. Irrespective of where and how and who, the process remains drifting away in a sea of gentle neon lights and warmth; the sound of harsh winds seem a million miles away.<br />
<br />
I always say the same things but then, these words make my arms tingle as they leave my head and appear in front of my eyes.<br />
<br />
Until next time<br />
Speak soon<br />
Take care<br />
Ben Ben Cartlidgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04390958623234807277noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2371959663541595840.post-15218291235741164892016-03-16T11:13:00.000+00:002016-03-16T11:13:02.833+00:00Wednesdays<br />
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<br />
Maybe I'm just in a spot where I wish I had more time to waste, with the people I love wasting time with.<br />
<br />
You know who you are, you're the ones who make this whole voyage worth it. As long as every day contains me and you then that's all that matters to me at this time.<br />
<br />
Time's such a funny old concept when you sit and think about it.<br />
<br />
We're told to plan for the future whilst somehow learning lessons from the past. It doesn't give us a lot of room think about the present does it?<br />
<br />
There's a constant focus on where are we going to be in 5 years time, what were you doing 10 years ago and other such clichés, but why?<br />
<br />
I'm not saying you have to live every day like it's your last, but it's become way too easy to concentrate on what you should be doing and what you used to be doing, rather on simply what you're doing.<br />
<br />
Until next time<br />
Speak soon<br />
Take care<br />
Ben<br />
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<br />Ben Cartlidgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04390958623234807277noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2371959663541595840.post-21422577115190788632016-02-11T12:54:00.004+00:002016-06-20T09:15:29.184+01:00The Girl with the Sunshine Smile<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />
You don't get too many chances at happiness, not real happiness anyway. There's plenty of opportunities to do things that make you stop asking questions briefly; those questions that you're not sure you want to know the answers to. You make the right choice about making yourself happy however, and it's like changing a wall for a window.<br />
<br />
You've just got to be brave enough to make that choice and to make that change. Your life will change immeasurably if you let it.<br />
<br />
This past weekend was my first away since before Christmas and, as always happens with these things, I was equal parts excited and disquiet. The event itself, <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CqNRQpl8Wco">ACB 29</a> in Warsaw, was really good and the experience was a great one.<br />
<br />
Flying home however, was a different kettle of fish altogether.I'd had layover in Zurich for the day where I'd managed to keep myself occupied with a combination of my tablet and a very hospitable Starbucks.<br />
<br />
My final flight was a quick hop across to Manchester but as I sat watching Threads, I saw the sky turn angry as I waited for the minutes to tick away.<br />
<br />
The flight itself was largely without incident but upon descent into Manchester, I became very aware of just how windy it had become. I looked once out of the window briefly and then leant back with my eyes closed, listening to Copeland.<br />
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<br />
It had always been the best music to fly to I had learned; a swirling mix of vocal magnificence and scant beauty. I felt my stomach leap upwards and then down as the plane darted towards the runway but these nerves were soon quashed as the wheels hit the deck.<br />
<br />
Inertia held me tight, like I imagine a friendly bear would as he evaluated my threat, but I was miles away somehow; ready for the gentle braking to replace the harsh braking and for everyone to stand up before the seatbelt sign had gone out.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><b>It was then I realised something wasn't quite right. </b></i></div>
<br />
The harsh braking hadn't subsided and I felt more and more concious of a strange gaining of speed. I passed it off as nothing but, after a few seconds, ascertained that this wasn't the norm. I looked at the window to see nothing but clouds, a mirror of dark greyness that didn't seem to be thinning any time soon.<br />
<br />
I looked around quickly to gauge reactions but amazingly, nobody seemed to be budging an inch from where they sat or from what they were doing. This was seemingly a common thing but in my head it felt anything but.<br />
<br />
I'd switched my phone back on as we were landing, and managed to message Vanille to let her know I was nearly on Terra Firma but as we went back up I sent her another few messages. The problem is that only one of them sent; basically the one that said "<i>The plane is going back into the air for some reason.</i>"<br />
<br />
The subsequent messages to allay any fears didn't get sent as I ascended back into the great grey unknown, and therein lied the whole crux of my panic.<br />
<br />
It wasn't about me. It wasn't about would I be ok. It was about her. It was all about not being able to see Vanille again. It was to about how she was coping with the limited information I'd given her.<br />
<br />
I struggled for a second to cope but quickly realised my best shot was to stay calm and think positively. I hit the unlock button on my phone and was presented by the following image.<br />
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqSmSFlxoTvQHLYwAEN5Perw4DJFwj2IYeNO1nyNRoxaVRFKLnrTIi3zwQs5d9WA_JcltQCUCqxGIOVDJla6zh0vdODCsplVHCW9Cv6aavVbxExQufbseHwg0NbN7F9cHdsXpVKg3yNVdY/s1600/Untitled.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqSmSFlxoTvQHLYwAEN5Perw4DJFwj2IYeNO1nyNRoxaVRFKLnrTIi3zwQs5d9WA_JcltQCUCqxGIOVDJla6zh0vdODCsplVHCW9Cv6aavVbxExQufbseHwg0NbN7F9cHdsXpVKg3yNVdY/s1600/Untitled.jpg" /></a>It's hard to describe what I felt exactly at that moment.<br />
<br />
It felt like the feeling I get when I fall asleep in the sun or the feeling I get when I first come home at night. It's the feeling when she falls asleep holding on to me, and the feeling I get when my phone goes and she's sent me a message.<br />
<br />
It was just a feeling of pure bliss and, at 20,000 ft on a perilous Sunday night, it was exactly what I needed to negotiate myself down from the heavens and back into the welcoming arms of the airport.<br />
<br />
The rest of the journey home was relatively uneventful, save for an internal countdown that seemed to magnify the closer I got to being home.<br />
<br />
The girl with the sunshine smile had saved my life once again and, as I lay in bed that evening, I held tightly in my head everything that had happened throughout the last few hours and tightly in my arms that which had made me brief brush with the uncertain so much easier.<br />
<br />
I guess what I'm trying to say is that the people in life who make us the happiest, contribute way more to the fabric of our being than they could every truly imagine. Every single day is an adventure but, save for the kindred soul of the perfect person, we'd simply wander aimlessly into the dark, without map or compass or more importantly the sunshine.<br />
<br />
Until next time.<br />
Take care.<br />
Speak soon.<br />
<br />
Ben<br />
<br />
<br />Ben Cartlidgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04390958623234807277noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2371959663541595840.post-12567809411261242902016-01-28T09:52:00.003+00:002016-01-28T09:52:54.393+00:00Breaking Point<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPnzO5Lx8AOOw-13RMxgKQDj1rhzEZJbeBJtoIq_ec6523422Ru0zAj3iclV27NVyDmtP0yK7rZvGUlDNYrcS2bsNz2gSsrOTN0NnZtvaYhR0fu1BIkFANMMig08LFFrKci631ZSov0OkZ/s1600/parkroadwarehouse.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPnzO5Lx8AOOw-13RMxgKQDj1rhzEZJbeBJtoIq_ec6523422Ru0zAj3iclV27NVyDmtP0yK7rZvGUlDNYrcS2bsNz2gSsrOTN0NnZtvaYhR0fu1BIkFANMMig08LFFrKci631ZSov0OkZ/s400/parkroadwarehouse.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
I'm pretty sure I've hit it.<br />
<br />
Maybe I've been here a while.<br />
<br />
It's hard to tell in a lot of respects where this simmering feeling of discontent comes from. There's a good chance it's been here for months, many many months. I just know things are going to have to change and I'm going to have to make them change. Daylight hours are too precious to spend wishing they were over.<br />
<br />
Everything else is amazing btw, if this title sounds a touch melodramatic. We'll speak again soon on better circumstances I'm sure.<br />
<br />
Speak soon<br />
Take care<br />
BenBen Cartlidgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04390958623234807277noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2371959663541595840.post-60125431264350337842016-01-14T09:11:00.001+00:002016-01-14T09:11:28.356+00:00These last few days<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi796hMvr7P2cDoqezQZDiPcNapoebiLwnVwH7U6uoQOuXa-UHCOI3Ih_N_Nun6ilizLfchFYT4HlIUdAYkKnHvXpDNiLKGJAEZg38DycvtzmcDGPnWb9sj7BZcd2Uh5jqiLWmG8zGJeN5m/s1600/1404063916112.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi796hMvr7P2cDoqezQZDiPcNapoebiLwnVwH7U6uoQOuXa-UHCOI3Ih_N_Nun6ilizLfchFYT4HlIUdAYkKnHvXpDNiLKGJAEZg38DycvtzmcDGPnWb9sj7BZcd2Uh5jqiLWmG8zGJeN5m/s320/1404063916112.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
I've realised that the things that matter are the people that matter.<br />
<br />
I'm pretty sure I knew that anyway, but my worldly view has been reinforced tenfold by realising a few things recently. I'll never care about so many different things, despite how many times you tell me I should do.<br />
<br />
The greatest gift we have is the chance to do what makes us truly happy. We're not here long enough to spend our time make plans; plans for the sneering eyes of people we'll never meet.<br />
<br />
That's the beauty of all of this though.<br />
<br />
When we truly realise that we have the power to what we want, everything becomes of slightly less consequence somehow.<br />
<br />
The shackles of this corporate visage loosen enough to escape for the night at quarter to five; when the people we really are be meet up with the people we really love.<br />
<br />
In short, wasting time is only wasting time if you don't look back it what you've done and smile.<br />
<br />
Take care<br />
Speak soon<br />
BenBen Cartlidgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04390958623234807277noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2371959663541595840.post-54392677094395554582016-01-07T10:19:00.003+00:002016-01-07T10:19:57.461+00:00Blankets<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnLlXP1z2WpMZtQoEC7zsn3tnpfSRGx6HohCqiEyxWfsnrrcZguYCpS8bB8Jgg-mNzNyXA_3CK0QB3iyX_JOAFvl3am0r6gkeINsnvtPG-HATkoxfdMB2QTPHXBmmGmTqaN2IT7hLRFNDg/s1600/Pretzel.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnLlXP1z2WpMZtQoEC7zsn3tnpfSRGx6HohCqiEyxWfsnrrcZguYCpS8bB8Jgg-mNzNyXA_3CK0QB3iyX_JOAFvl3am0r6gkeINsnvtPG-HATkoxfdMB2QTPHXBmmGmTqaN2IT7hLRFNDg/s320/Pretzel.jpg" width="179" /></a>This five day week thing has hit me pretty hard.</div>
<br />
Every day has felt like Monday so far but maybe that's just because of the weather. I had quite a few odd days off in December, a weekend trip to Munich to take in the Christmas markets and a big break over Christmas, so this week has felt as tiresome as walking uphill in the rain.<br />
<br />
Ironically, I've done that quite a few times these last few days also.<br />
<br />
I guess I just really miss the days where all I had to worry about was could I eat a Pretzel this big without falling asleep afterwards.<br />
<br />
I didn't as it happens but it was quite a struggle; the tea that I had with it really helped.<br />
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg4sdRtNd9S6BSKxxDVQEt6mDiDinP9HvN56dX6xmQ6_uLc1nEW1eRvWoZvDFg_pnmkl1e1YwAbZpdH_aWkAXgO0lkiam-JUfh0h4mpyDK-zvZPz08lsuaE6nXMeuRU4KBBVnlwMBHirJaX/s1600/Christmas+Tree+Edit.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg4sdRtNd9S6BSKxxDVQEt6mDiDinP9HvN56dX6xmQ6_uLc1nEW1eRvWoZvDFg_pnmkl1e1YwAbZpdH_aWkAXgO0lkiam-JUfh0h4mpyDK-zvZPz08lsuaE6nXMeuRU4KBBVnlwMBHirJaX/s400/Christmas+Tree+Edit.jpg" width="141" /></a>The Christmas markets in Munich were so pretty though. I'd planned them as a surprise for my lovely wife.<br />
<br />
I booked all the parts of the holiday separately in the summer over a couple of months. <br />
<br />
She didn't know where we were going right until the last minute when I gave her the flight number to enter into the ticket machine.<br />
<br />
It had taken weeks of preparation, of dodging questions, of working out hotel rates, of converting currencies but for that split second when she saw Munich flash up on that screen, it was all worth it.<br />
<br />
It was worth it a million times over.<br />
<br />
The back and forth craziness of work/judging will pick up speed in a few weeks but for the time being, I'm just happy that you're happy sweetpea.<br />
<br />
I'm happy in the knowledge that we'll always have these adventures with each other to drift away into.<br />
<br />
Until next time<br />
Speak soon<br />
Take care<br />
Ben<br />
<br />
<br />Ben Cartlidgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04390958623234807277noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2371959663541595840.post-34001239868029486852015-12-21T15:17:00.001+00:002015-12-21T15:17:23.969+00:00Just because...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzSJLD0dMHjvjaUMLTpS5ZlEdb-oItEbCGwfCqOXdagUaSZP7ELOnJoDEI-n2nAfCz5iBbXGjBlBTtZrP04vZjClHE9J4JzsxgbpuIbEQGL_Z07Xe4YPZijlMFcgI-3FgSqzZGQSiq54hL/s1600/Raven.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzSJLD0dMHjvjaUMLTpS5ZlEdb-oItEbCGwfCqOXdagUaSZP7ELOnJoDEI-n2nAfCz5iBbXGjBlBTtZrP04vZjClHE9J4JzsxgbpuIbEQGL_Z07Xe4YPZijlMFcgI-3FgSqzZGQSiq54hL/s320/Raven.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Just because you're not happy, don't try make and make me not happy.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Mondays.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Hit me harder than a train every time. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
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<br />Ben Cartlidgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04390958623234807277noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2371959663541595840.post-33602086927731244932015-12-08T10:21:00.000+00:002015-12-08T10:21:00.414+00:00When time stood still<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwc33bWoCJ4p25_6vmiOoFTKG_bhWyiI6O2geWTkKaF_33gWH8ypu8eIW_oSZ1fWx-rsRwQzBRtK_QHD7ymihCK1ql3uHemG_xL3XqGTBwv2PxzrKkmaoNSIDmr9FPkfz9GSLD64Ody5YS/s1600/Longton+2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwc33bWoCJ4p25_6vmiOoFTKG_bhWyiI6O2geWTkKaF_33gWH8ypu8eIW_oSZ1fWx-rsRwQzBRtK_QHD7ymihCK1ql3uHemG_xL3XqGTBwv2PxzrKkmaoNSIDmr9FPkfz9GSLD64Ody5YS/s320/Longton+2.jpg" width="178" /></a></div>
Places largely stay the same, but they become tainted by the tapestry of emotions that we recall at a moment's notice. The colours combine like milk in tea; crashing and swirling into each other and creating so many further questions.<br />
<br />
I went through Longton the other day and straight away I remembered a million and one different stories and incidents as I wandered round the Bennett Precinct.<br />
<br />
There pretty much wasn't any shops open so I couldn't look through the window of Dixons at the Sega Megadrives running endlessly. This ritual became essential part of life for years, generally as I walked to somewhere I should have been.<br />
<br />
The old arcade that my Dad used to take me to has long since closed. It's been re-branded and re-designed a million times. The front of it however, still fills me with that feeling of magic that I hope never leaves.<br />
<br />
The feeling I used to get on a Saturday morning when my Dad would walk me down to Longton and take me in the arcade so I could play all the Sega games. That's all I wanted to do, all I ever wanted to do.<br />
<br />
The old bus station has since been gutted, renovated and redesigned into a giant bargain shop that there seems to be so many of at the moment. I'm still unable to walk into it though, without thinking of how dark and cold the old bus station was. It's like the progress we make is begrudgingly pulling us forward, as we further sink our heels into the sand.<br />
<br />
Nothing stays the same, but memories seem to keep us in a state of perpetual stasis somehow.<br />
<br />
Longton is like any other town now. A decaying city centre, industry long deserted, being slowly drained by an out of town retail park where all the big shops have set up.<br />
<br />
In my head however, it'll always feel like freedom.<br />
It'll always be the place I walked through when I should have been somewhere else.<br />
I'm forever looking for the door to the arcade even though I know it's not there.<br />
I'm waiting to walk into a room full of smoke, lights, machines and crackly local radio.<br />
<br />
But that's just me I guess.<br />
<br />
Until next time<br />
Take care<br />
Speak soon<br />
<br />
BenBen Cartlidgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04390958623234807277noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2371959663541595840.post-80496778005404196682015-11-19T00:07:00.000+00:002015-11-19T00:07:48.312+00:00One Thousand <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMPNxdBz-kbLTosi_O2Swt0R6KYZDs-Lz-604iSFG3ufpjTr4EK78Oa3lX3Spc7b_6F0AivCNPERUWZjHkkQX-EFQPGdJTCYGlFrFGoVsHc7WGRONbRDotRDO6pRj1NZV__o6BirdQOkd5/s1600/Shoot+n+Sprawl.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMPNxdBz-kbLTosi_O2Swt0R6KYZDs-Lz-604iSFG3ufpjTr4EK78Oa3lX3Spc7b_6F0AivCNPERUWZjHkkQX-EFQPGdJTCYGlFrFGoVsHc7WGRONbRDotRDO6pRj1NZV__o6BirdQOkd5/s400/Shoot+n+Sprawl.jpg" width="316" /></a></div>
<br />
It seems another lifetime now but in the same odd kind of way, I can still remember everything about it.<br />
<br />
Every single thing from the songs I listened to on the way down, to who I saw, to how many fights there were, to how the bulk of them finished up.<br />
<br />
About a year prior to Shoot n Sprawl I'd worked my first ever show in a professional capacity, providing some commentary for Ross Pointon's <a href="http://gladiatorpromotions.co.uk/about-us/">Night of the Gladiators</a>.<br />
<br />
Since then I'd done a smattering of writing, a lot of it is archived in the earlier editions of this very website, but nothing seemed to resonate quite like I wanted it to.<br />
<br />
Don't get me wrong, I'll never ever forget the feeling I had after that first show when I was sitting in my car waiting to go home. I could have gone home at any point, but I just remember sitting in my car and staring at my own eyes in the mirror. It sounds ridiculous when you say it like that but, for that split second, I felt more alive than I think I ever had done up to that point.<br />
<br />
When my now good friend Andy Sledge messaged me regarding judging work I jumped on the opportunity and spent a good week beforehand absorbing all I could read about the specifics of the judging criteria. I sat in my office at work and watched fights on my lunch hour with a pad and pen and headphones, trying to get my mind used to the task in hand. <br />
<br />
There was something different about this Saturday in July though, quite what I wasn't sure but I knew I felt different. It was both a new experience and a new challenge and I was really excited to see just where it would lead.<br />
<br />
Attending shows in general was still quite a new thing in reality, I'd been to see Ross fight for Cage Rage back in 2007, but it was only recently that I'd started working at events. As I sat cageside, I was aware of noise subsiding it became massively obvious in that instant that this was real. Commentary was fun, nervous at first, but soon it quickly became more professional versions of conversations we had at the gym.<br />
<br />
All around me seemed chaos and a million things raced through my head but the second the bell rang, my mind was filled with a truly serene sense of calm. I can't describe it. It's kind of like the feeling you get when you first dive underwater and everything seems to slow as you swim deeper down. It's a feeling of complete crystal clear focus. It's one of the single most addictive feelings in the world. I think about it all the time.<br />
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWlfk9DPlIDCLk8PPRkYH-M-pExNrod4VnELPzZjbpUlO2-nW2DYCe2OW123TkIQUhfrcgS2cCY1adQ3osST5JvbLQMDAl4GGU1dRu_tA0AJTFqw9fiHB4RXEh94EQx5aa4q4IhceR3TgC/s1600/Barnatt+Photo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWlfk9DPlIDCLk8PPRkYH-M-pExNrod4VnELPzZjbpUlO2-nW2DYCe2OW123TkIQUhfrcgS2cCY1adQ3osST5JvbLQMDAl4GGU1dRu_tA0AJTFqw9fiHB4RXEh94EQx5aa4q4IhceR3TgC/s320/Barnatt+Photo.jpg" width="251" /></a>The first few fights went off without incident and resulted in fairly early finishes but the one pictured represented my first real challenge. It just goes to show how long ago this truly was, in the spectrum of this young sport, that Luke Barnatt now an 11 fight pro and UFC veteran, was fighting amateur in only his 3rd contest.<br />
<br />
His opponent was Spartan MMA's Chris Kelly, who only a few months prior had unwittingly created the audio dynamite that bonded myself and the dangerous one as a bona fide commentating powerhouse.<br />
<br />
I remember the fight as if I remembering a story that happened last week. Barnatt using the jab early on before getting the takedown and working from the top dilligently. Kelly ploughing bravely on but seeming not to have any answer for the reach differential he was facing. The third frame saw the tide turn and Barnatt slowed down as Kelly came forward with enough momentum to steal the round but ultimately go on to lose the fight 29-28.<br />
<br />
As I handed in my scorecards I realised that it was down to me now. Everything I'd studied, everything I'd watched, all the preparation I'd made was leading up to this entire moment. In my head I knew that there would be no excuses, I'd given it everything I could to try and be the best I could be at this.<br />
<br />
The decision was announced as unanimous in the favour of Luke Barnatt, the respective corners nodded and photos were taken, and I mentally got ready to go again as the next set of entrance music began.<br />
<br />
That's how it all started.<br />
<br />
If you'd have told me as I drove home that night about what was to come there's no way I would ever have believed you. If you'd have explained that about 5 years later I'd be racking up my 1000th fight in the chair then I would have done some hasty maths and then laughed it off. I've been to some crazy places and seen some insane fights go down but the feeling remains the same before every single one; that liquid clarity that I can't seem to find in anything else that I spend my time doing.<br />
<br />
It's all on me. I get it. I get how much time you've put into this. I get what sacrifices you've made and I get how this fight is the biggest one you'll ever have. All you need to know is that your fight is the most important fight to me, because they're all the most important fight. I've got this. Trust me. It's a never ending cycle of learning and reviewing. That's the best part. It's the beginning. 1000 is an insane number but it's only just the start.<br />
<br />
Thanks to everyone along the way.<br />
Thanks for reading this.<br />
Thanks for the opportunities.<br />
Thanks for putting up with the fact I talk about old videogames and fights a lot.<br />
<br />
Take care<br />
Speak soon<br />
Ben<br />
<br />
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<br />Ben Cartlidgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04390958623234807277noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2371959663541595840.post-25000382789618108452015-11-04T09:38:00.002+00:002015-11-04T09:38:37.037+00:00Good People<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Good people are good people; irrespective of the hows or the whens or the wheres.</div>
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Good people are the kind of people that you think about what they're up to or the kind of people that, when you see something in a shop, you wonder if they'd like it. </div>
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Good people are the people you reply to straight away and the people you make plans with. They're the kind of people who legitimately listen to everything that you've got to say, before offering sage advice.</div>
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Good people care about what you're thinking and care about where you're going. </div>
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Good people realise that we're all trying to help each other and they do what they can to make life easier.</div>
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Good people don't have to make an effort to do nice things for people, it's a natural process.</div>
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Good people take time to drop a simple "<i>hey</i>" or "<i>how's it going</i>", when they know that people are in difficult situations. They ring people up to talk about nothing and everything because they like to talk and listen.</div>
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I'm lucky to know a lot of good people and to also spend my time with people who it's no effort to make an effort for.</div>
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Until next we speak my friends, remember to be thankful for everything we have, not be wistful about things that we can't change. </div>
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Take care</div>
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Speak soon</div>
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Ben </div>
Ben Cartlidgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04390958623234807277noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2371959663541595840.post-79768858791241718882015-11-03T09:21:00.001+00:002015-11-03T09:21:05.784+00:00Ahead of ourselves<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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The problem with moving quickly is, you've never quite got time to appreciate the miles as they disappear into the night.<br />
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Conversely, the problem with moving slowly is that it's hard not to wish the time away because you've become accustomed to a life less ordinary.<br />
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I'm already mentally ready for the next, but a part of me realises that these times we live in are our golden years. Every cut a hit, every night a sell out, every glance to the sky gives my eyes nothing but diamonds. But then, just realising this makes me smile every single day when I wake up.<br />
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Contrast becomes appreciation.<br />
Saturdays become Sundays.<br />
Chaos becomes order.<br />
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The tides are turning, but I'm anchored safely in place by the stability of a thirty seven and a half hour week and the sunshine eyes of my lovely wife.<br />
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Take care<br />
Speak soon<br />
BenBen Cartlidgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04390958623234807277noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2371959663541595840.post-27860079986173368442015-10-22T09:23:00.002+01:002015-10-22T09:23:55.789+01:00These Conversations Kill<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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This past weekend the locomotive creaked into life.<br />
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I've missed you, that much is clear. I've missed that feeling of wide eyed excitement and pure focus that true chaos brings. I've missed the shared stories, the familiar faces and the digital navigations of the new and the familiar. I guess most of all I've missed the shared sense of camaraderie that this whole adventure seems to bring.<br />
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It picks up momentum without you even realising, that's the beauty of it. It's one in four, then it's two in five and you're once again familiar with the concept. Then before you know it, it's seven in seven and you're staring down the barrel of exploits and opportunities in equal measures.<br />
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None of this is possible without the support of those we hold close and the second we forget this, we're resigned to slip beneath the waves with no hope of warmth or daylight permeating. I'll never forget all that you've done; waiting with the home fires burning, fresh to greet the returnee with a hug and a hot drink.<br />
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Next time you're in the neighbourhood come and say hello won't you? We're destined to forget everything but true words are never wasted when they're said between friends.<br />
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Take Care<br />
Speak Soon<br />
Ben<br />
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<br />Ben Cartlidgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04390958623234807277noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2371959663541595840.post-6269889609576289422015-09-15T09:47:00.000+01:002015-09-15T09:49:23.239+01:00Cyclical<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Last night seemed to last forever.</div>
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Maybe because it didn't get light all day, the memories of the summer seem like echoes from another lifetime. Last night I walked home in the rain and didn't have an umbrella. It wasn't the best but when I got home it somehow it all became worth it.<br />
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It's still surprising though whenever it happens, and it happens every year without fail, We're slaves to this cycle but there's no way we could ever get off or get out. We're the ones running, not the ones watching the wheel.<br />
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Why then am I so romantic about this time of the year, when realistically it just means we spend longer with the lights on?<br />
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Maybe it's because everything I associate with not having to worry about anything seems to happen more at the tail end of the year.<br />
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I play more videogames, sleep more and spend more time with my friends/family and my lovely wife. I watch more fights, I drink more tea and I end up staring at the sky a lot more.<br />
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However in real terms, it's the sense of responsibility that I'm unable to shake or shun that wears heavier down on me at this time of year.<br />
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There's more to do, more things to fix, more things to buy and less daylight to do them in. Maybe this year I'll make a bigger effort and keep more on top of things. I won't spend my hours wondering when it'll stop raining and imagining what would happen if it never stopped. I'll be positive, forward thinking and pro-active.<br />
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Or maybe I'll just sit inside where it's warm, switch on the kettle and play Bubble Bobble until it's Christmas again. </div>
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Take Care</div>
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Speak Soon</div>
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Ben</div>
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<br />Ben Cartlidgehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04390958623234807277noreply@blogger.com0