I still remember that day. It was back in April last year and nothing made any sense. That's the dangerous thing in some respects, you can never properly tell what someone is thinking.
That's a photo like any other I seem to take right? Me in a niche T shirt, with my massive beard just hanging out with Larry. Everything seems good with the world in that crystal clear snapshot.
But it wasn't.
I don't have any explanations for what happened to me mentally, and perhaps that's the most frightening part.
I woke up and everything seemed difficult somehow. I struggled to eat for a while, my mind was flooded with darkness, I couldn't get motivated to do anything, I couldn't stop randomly bursting into tears but perhaps the most frightening, was the fact that I couldn't see a way round any of it.
I'd wake up and the first thing I'd think was the fact that I was thinking about it again. That's the worst part, because it's not even like there was a trigger. It wasn't one specific thing that was making me unhappy that I could target, it was an overall depressing sense of void that I really couldn't get past. Nothing had changed. I'd gone to bed happy and woken up like this.
I stopped writing as well, as you've probably seen from this blog, but one thing continually kept me going.Who else.
Vanille.
The light in the darkness.
The sugar in my tea.
My missing piece.
The single most important thing.
We had so many conversations during that time about things we wanted to do in the future; places to see, adventures to go on, new horizons. I slowly but surely began to feel more human but it took a very long time.
Over the weeks and months I began to see the colour emerging once again in the day to day, which seemed to make everything easier.
One day we were chatting about a few things and she suggested that I go back to training again.
I'd always really enjoyed being a bit more active, it's really very good for you in so many ways, so I figured I'd try and get involved again.
The weird thing about training BJJ for me, is that once you've learned something and then stopped for a long time, you still mentally imagine not only will you still remember it but it'll also still work, despite the obvious light year advances since I'd last really trained with any seriousness, nearly a decade ago.
Getting back was as tough as I thought it would be, but there would be always something in every single session that would spark my imagination in some way.Everyone was so nice and sociable as well, and that was such a big part of it looking back now. It was good to train, but also good to catch up with these people who became mates quite quickly and easily.
I'd been back a few weeks and after a good class, I remember driving home and all of a sudden thinking that I hadn't thought about being depressed for not only the duration of the class, but also the few hours before I arrived.
My focus was so singular and positive on physical self improvement, that there wasn't really room for anything negative. That's the great part about training really, everything else stops and you're immersed into a demanding situation. You don't realise how much you're improving because you're in a positive environment, where everyone is getting better constantly.
It sounds a touch obvious, but right then and there I guess on some levels I knew I was going to be alright. For the first time in a long while I could see a very small light up in the distance, and that was all I needed to focus on.
The really strange thing is that I can't even remember how those first few days felt now, the hardest part of writing this was trying to think back to how much that darkness engulfed my being, for every waking minute.
There's nowhere I'd rather be and nothing I'd rather do than what I'm doing right now and the most important thing that I can take from this, is that it's so important to talk to people. If you're going through something that you don't think you can get through, then reach out and talk to someone, hell talk to me if you want to.
All you ever need to hear is that it's going to be alright and that you're going to make it, and as much as these things seem insurmountable, there's always something you can do to improve your situation.
Finally I guess I wanted to say thanks to you all over the past 18 months. You're fantastic and I don't know where I'd be without you all.
One final thing, is that if you look at the very first photo in the piece and then this one at the end of me enjoying some Belgian fries a few months ago, on balance there's very little to separate them. The ironic thing is that they're a million miles apart.
That's the problem really. Everyone seems alright on the basis of it, because you've got no real choice but to hold it all together. We live in a society when there isn't really time for that, there's always a ruthless schedule in place and if you can't keep up you'll fall off.What you need to do is talk.
Promise me you'll talk if you need to.
Because without it, without that interaction with other people to remind us why we do all of this, what's the point?
We're not meant to do this alone, and the problem is that you think you've got all the time in the world. Tell those you love them that you love them, make time for the right people and never forget that you're never alone in any of this.
I promise you'll feel better eventually, there's always a way to make our situations better.
Until next time
Take care
Speak soon
Ben
