Wednesday, 15 January 2014

But we were moving, somehow

There's a halt to these things.

Sometimes it's so gradual a decline that we barely notice the change of pace and scenery. 

Other times however, we're ejected from the wreckage of our previous incarnations and expected to pick up the pieces as we go along.

This past week was truly one of those occasions where one life stopped as another started; the treadmill kicked straight into reverse in a heartbeat.

Tuesday 7th January I strolled back into work, made a cup of tea and checked my e-mails. 

There were several things that needed doing, it didn't feel like Christmas and it definitely didn't feel like Summer. 

I sat down in my chair and immediately began to daydream about exactly what had just happened over the last few days; about what I was going to do when I got home, about what Vanille was doing, about what I'd name my next squad on Xcom. 

Everything apart from what I was supposed to be doing ironically. 

It's the post Christmas malaise that we're all used to, and that we all accept every year. Every single year we get sucker punched with the early January blues, but the fact it happens repeatedly surely says more about us. Every time we imagine that Christmas will last forever. That feeling of being warm and hazy eyed, surrounded by those who we love and numb with hot food and cold chocolate. 

Every morning when, we wake up in January when the pilgrimage begins again. We realise that normal service is always resumed and we trudge into servitude once more. 

Back to Tuesday 7th January for a second. 

I sat at my desk and began with my first wave of productivity when it was halted before it even began. I got the too familiar craving for a hot cup of tea on a cold Winter morning.

I wandered into the main office and was greeted by the usual pleasantries but one voice spoke over the others saying, "Ben, you look really tired. Big weekend?"

I looked up for a second and replied, "Yeah, I worked a show in Singapore and I ended up judging the main event and it went five rounds. You know how it is."

The Ultimate Warrior couldn't have no sold that reply better than I did. As I was walking back down the corridor I sat in my office for a second and thought to myself, "Am I taking this for granted?"

Have I reached the point that I just pass these crazy adventures off as being the norm now?

My phone went off before I could answer myself and, still half asleep, I pressed the wrong button that not only cut the call off but opened my pictures folder. I stood and looked at the image that stared back at me and felt myself slowly lose the ability to move. It sounds so dramatic to say it like that but I really did feel like some force was holding me in place. 

Alison had taken that photograph and sent it to me as I wandered into work. I hadn't received it but my phone had stored it. I'd love to think that it had some kind of sense of autonomy, rather than protocol. It got that picture and thought, "There'll be a point when Ben questions himself, I'll save this."

I looked at that picture for about 5 minutes without saying anything before I was kindly reminded of where I was and what I should have been doing. Good job really, I'd probably still be there now.

It was like the Gold Saucer. One massive adventure, bathed in lights and sounds and coated in a mystery that took my breath away whenever I looked out of my window. All I didn't have was a cable car ride and a giant cat but, with more time, I'm very confident I could have found them both. 

I guess I answered my own question.
I'll never take any of this for granted.
I'll never stop feeling like I do before the lights go down.
More importantly I'll never stop wanting to get better.

Things are going to get crazy, even by these standards, real soon so keep in touch.
Take care

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